The Phone Call

It's really hard for me to go to sleep tonight. I had another relatively bad day. The bad days seem to be stacking up and compounding on each other.

Today, it was all about a phone call. It was him. He made me smile. He made me giddy. Then it seemed to end so quickly out of the blue. What could have been was very promising. His reasoning made it seem as if nothing was personal. I guess that's a good thing.

I keep on hearing from friends, 'You're a great guy. Great catch. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You're smart, funny, attractive and very accomplished.'

I think I can hear that a million times and never absorb it. I guess maybe I feel friends aren't lovers, so it can go in one ear and out the other.

Part of it has to do with me taking compliments. I'm not used to it. It's a relatively new phenomena for me to deal with... maybe in the past 2 or so years. I guess absorbing and accepting compliments is a downfall of mine. It's most definitely related to my past of being a heavier guy.

I'm trying to tell myself it's not me, but it's starting to get very hard to believe.

From North Beach to SoMa; A case of the Ex(s)

Friday was quite the interesting evening. I went to Tony's Pizza Napoletana in North Beach with my friend Greg. I love hanging out with him because he's so real, genuine and willing to open up. We both share each other's perspectives on subjects and never really have a dead conversation.

The wait wasn't too bad, maybe a half an hour when we arrived around 6:30pm. We walked around North Beach while we waited for our table. We ordered two pizza's... the daily limited edition Margherita (They Make a Max of 73 per day) and the 'Cal Italia.' I think the Margherita Pizza would have had potential to be delicious had they not actually sliced the pizza (leaving the juice to soak into the crust.) That's not how the serve pizza in Italy. Instead, the don't cut it and you can fold it over. :)

However, the Cal Italia, holy hell. That shit was like an orgasm in my mouth. Total foodgasm. I'm going back again to get that again. It must have crack in it. It has Asiagio, Mozzarella, Imported Italian Gorgonzola, Sweet Fig Preserve from Croatia, Prosciutto di Parma, Parmigiano and Balsamic Reduction.

After dinner, I chatted more with Greg at his place. I eventually left for the Castro to hang out with Harrison. I met Harrison at The Cafe, but it was a bit awkward of a crowd... blame it on tourists and Folsom Weekend.

I then headed to Dragon @ Eight in SoMa to celebrate with Charles for his 21st Bday bash. The night was going well. I ran into many friends, co-workers, etc. But there was a moment when my mood took a swing downward. I saw my recent ex, dancing on stage, grinding in some dude's dick. Classy. It's so ironic how he gave me shit for going out (when I don't even really drink) and then has the nerve to go out and act super trashy. I saw him again upstairs and decided to leave after saying hello to my friends and wishing Charles a happy 21st.

Just when I was going to leave with a frown on my face, I was greeted with a hug by a sweaty shirtless guy. I didn't see his face. So I pulled back and looked down to see who it was. My jaw dropped. My frown turned upside down into a smile. It was my oldest ex. My first real (and longest) relationship. He was 34, I was 24. Now I'm 26 and he's 36. He's here for Folsom Weekend. One of the main reasons we broke up was due to distance. But I was really close with him connection wise. He always lived in San Diego. I always lived in Nor Cal (and at a point, Michigan). So it didn't really work out for that alone. But it's nice to see him considering we haven't really interacted since 2007 or so.

I dunno, I'd never rekindle an old flame, but I would catch up. Coffee. Tea. Something. I guess it's the curious side of me. We'll see what happens...

Jon Made Me Smile. Or Maybe IRDLOLFR.

Looking back at 25, Looking ahead at 26

So I've been thinking about turning 26 for the past few days but tried not to spend too much time dwelling on it. I think I'm relatively positive about turning a year older. Yes, it's over the 'hump,' one year closer to 30, and my next quarter-century of life. Does that mean I'm over a quarter-life crisis? Meeebbbeee.

25 is a pretty cool age. It was one of the first years I've felt like a true adult. I'd been living on my own, post-college, for a few years, and had been in my career life for 6 or so years.

Looking back at 25

• It was the first time I was surprised on my birthday. In a work conference room at dinner, no less. Thanks Ty, Nai, and the rest of you who were in on it.
• I traveled to NYC with Ty and Paul and learned a lot from them in the process.
• I switched jobs at work, moving from Google in Mountain View to YouTube in San Bruno. I had to get used to working in a small office with the size of a team I could count on one hand. I also was part of a product launch team.
• I moved to San Francisco (with the moving help of Nai), after kicking and screaming about doing so for years. It was a good move, but there are elements of the Silicon Valley that I miss.
• I bought my first Mac. It was a 15" MacBook Pro, in case you were wondering. After years of being a PC guy, I decided to make the switch. I'm relatively happy with it.
• I worked at MacWorld, representing Google's Picasa for Mac.
• I got rejected from a love interest, who later became one of my best friends. I couldn't ask for a better Bestie.
• I kept 120 lbs off, for the 2nd year in a row.
• I fought hard at opposing Prop 8 passing in California. I traveled to many demonstrations in the Bay Area and Sacramento to protest.
• I saw Madonna for the first time in concert. Just my fate to get a flat tire on the way there. I'm thankful for BART.
• I saw New Kids on the Block in concert. It was my favorite concert last year.
• I donated 8 bags of my fat clothes to good will.
• It was the first year I participated in SF's Dine About Town (Universal Cafe, Choquets, Ruth's Chris).
• I went to Folsom Street Fair for the first time with my besties from UC Riverside.
• I went with Ty to spontaneously get his ear pierced.
• I traveled for the first time outside North America. I went to Europe (London, Rome, Venice, Berlin, Paris).
• It was the first time I held dinner parties at my apartment.
• I volunteered at Edna Brewer Middle School to help restore a mural.
• I participated for the 3rd year in Google's SF Pride contingent and getting a page on SFist.com.
• I met the B-52's Fred Schneider at the Mix during Pride Weekend. I had the balls to go up to him. We hung out for a little bit.
• I was a mentor for Google's BOLD (Building Opportunity Through Leadership) Internship Program.
• It was the first year I started to take photography as a hobby seriously.
• It was the first year I invested in the stock market. I've learned a lot.
• I learned that I had a passion for running outside. I've been running on the Embarcadero ever since.
• Living in SF had a positive impact on my dating life. I dated a few people, all of whom I could see with myself long term in one way or another.

Of course this list isn't comprehensive.

Looking Ahead at 26

I'm a pretty excited for what's ahead. I have a lot of goals and unanswered questions.

• Where will I travel next?
• What's the next step in my career?
• Will I continue my formal education?
• Which passions will I foster?
• Which passions did I not know I have?
• Who will I make an impact on?
• Who will make an impact on me?
• Will I be in a Long Term Relationship?

Only time will tell. The mystery is what's intriguing...

Inspiration over Google Chat: The Best Straightie Awards

I was talking with Jon Jon over IM and I was discussing "My Best Straightie." This is in reference to my best straight male friend (not that I need to make a distinction between the gay v. straight friends but I tend to.)

Then we randomly got sidetracked and discussing how we can create an award show for them. You know, those straight people in the lives of gays that deserve to be honored for just being awesome. Sticking by our side. Having the talks about romance even when they can't relate. You know the type. They're just awesome and we love them for it.

I totally think we should wrangle together a bunch of straight folks and surprise them. Honor them... for being them. Now I need to wrangle the gays to get on board.

Jon Jon: "Aaaaand, the Best Straightie for 2009 goes to.........."

Me: You know what would be cool. if we ACTUALLY did that and we had a ceremony

Jon Jon: totally. it could be so fabulous... like the emmy's and stuff

and then there'd be the whole best/worst dressed gossip after the ceremony

"Best Dressed Nominee John Doe should have just handed back his nomination for his awful awful combination of plaid and polkadots. Clearly the queen who nominated him didnt have a fashion bone in her body"

"....and back to you at the Red Carpet, Will..."

Me: yea. you've totally mapped this out in your head already. we'd make it fabulous. the straigties never get nods.

Why Do I Blog?

I often think about why I blog. I think a lot of people blog for many different reasons. I started and still blog for it to be my 'online diary' to share thoughts, opinions, etc. It's more of a memory tool rather than to self-promote myself. It's also a creative outlet. I like to write -- whether or not I have correct grammar or punctuation. It's a form of self-expression. And in my case, anyone can read it. I don't censor who can and can't read what I have to say. I mean, what's the point? Sure, there will also be some creepy stalker who probably shouldn't be seeing what I have to say. But that shouldn't prevent me from writing what I feel. And if you're a creepy stalker, might as well say 'Hi!'

I've been blogging in some form since the 90's. That dates me a bit. Before RSS. Before Ajax. Before CSS. I had a website with journal entries, then an LJ, then a Xanga, then a Blogger.

I prefer to type over physically write. I always have. Even as a kid, I never would write down my thoughts on paper, rather, I'd go directly to the typewritter and start writing. I like how I can correct myself in a matter of a few key strokes. I also like the sense of something not being permanent. There are instances where I write down on paper, like during my recent trip to Europe.

There are many cases in the past and present in which something I've wrote that can be seen publicly has gotten me in trouble with people. In most cases, people understand it's a form of expression. You move on. It's an opinion. Some people prefer to be private. I usually do, but I'm starting to really not care what people think of or about me. I know who I am and those close to me do as well.

Some people have preferred communication methods. Some prefer to have an in person conversation over writing an email. Some prefer the phone over an IM. Some people chose to deal with important subjects over an email when it should be talked about in person. Thus the blog. You can write and it floats out in space. Someone can read it or not. Maybe it will stroke an in person conversation.

In any case, I write for me and no one else.

Jorge Cruise stops by YouTube

We are fortunate to have awesome people swing by Google and YouTube every so often. I wrangled my health buddy Brittany to come up from Mountain View to San Bruno for a YouTube Tech Talk called 'The Calorie Myth' from author/health guru Jorge Cruise. He's an awesome guy who's passionate about evangelizing good health. He and I have similar backgrounds (were overweight, of latino descent, etc) and I'm impressed with what he's been able to accomplish.

He has a movie coming out called 'The Calorie Myth' which aims to debunk all we've learned about calories that comes out in January 2010. Instead, we should focus on our sugar intake.



We took a few pictures. Maybe I'll appear on his website soon. :D

Quotable Week

Here is a mix of real world quotes from friends as well as a couple thrown in from TV shows:

"Will, I knew you guys wouldn't last. I mean, he was so adamantly opposed to Glee. How can you not like Glee?" -Roland H.

"Will, I love your kitchen. It reminds me of a playschool toy set.' -Tony V.

"Are you sure he's straight? He's going to a Miley Cyrus concert.' -Greg D.

"Are you straight? Nope, you can't touch my breasts." -Yohana to Angelo

"Remind me not to name my kids Andrew." -Cindy C.

"Don't be Tardy for the Party... Whoa... Whoa" -Kim (a la The Real Housewives of Atlanta)

"I'm trying to figure out how to keep this disco ball." -Mark S.

"I really dislike White people today. Don't worry, I'll be back to hating on Asians again by tomorrow morning." -Chris L. (via Twitter)

"Do you like going to these events? I sure to see you and Ty at a lot of them." -Evan L.

"Will, Who's the woman in your calender?" [Insert Head Nod of Approval] -Tom P.

"Look at his profile. He's really handsome. Classically Handsome.' -Jodi, Caricature Artist

"You aren't ugly." -Compliment from a random guy at The Cafe.

"Omg I am at bday party in Hollywood hills as Chris is w all gay LA boys rite now. Where are youuu? And we just ate chinese takeout!" - Steph K. (via text)

"I miss TV Theme Songs. Soon, the theme song for 3 and a half men is just gonna be 'Meeeeh.'" -Neil Patrick Harris at the Emmys

"You sure are playing the role of the Bestie." -Tony V.

"I need something more than selling pot and writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction.' -Sandy on FOX's Glee

Ending Toxic Relationships

More recently I've chosen to end a toxic relationship. Not because I didn't like the person, but I didn't like what they were about. What they represented. How they went through the motions. What they chose to believe. Who they chose to believe. Why they were passionate about things. Who they surrounded themselves by. The list can go on. This still doesn't mean they were a bad person by any means. Quite the contrary. There were many things I loved about the person, too. But it never reached the point of loving the person.

I still care for the person. But it's one of those things where you hope they snap out of it and enter reality. Look at the things that really matter in life. Making a life for themselves with things that matter. And most importantly, doing something that makes them who they are not not relying on the success of others. I refused to let it get to the point of making me a toxic individual.

Every relationship that I've been in leads me to other things that I find critical for a lasting romantic relationship. In this case, communication and the ability to get to know someone were at fail. These are pretty fundamental, even at the friendship level.

It was really hard for me to be the 'breaker-upper' since I've never really had to play that role before outright. Having to see someone's face when it's time... not so fun. Making a moment in time to actually go through the talk is also very difficult.

And you know what through me off? After I broke it off with him, I've felt the worst I've felt in a long time... even after I was broken up with by others. I shut down. Couldn't focus. Eventually I snapped out of it and didn't let it consume me or the relationships I have with friends.

Now I focus on the present. There are reasons why you have your friends. They're there for you through thick and thin. Through good and bad. And in my case, friendships always tend to last longer than romantic relationships. That's why I hold my friends so close to me.

The good news is that I'm on good terms with him. I've sat down and had lunch with him and tried to have a normal every day conversation with him. I knew he wouldn't want to ever discuss why things didn't work (he sent me a re-break-up email... as if it mattered). I still want to pursue a friendship because I still care for the guy.

Not to toot my own horn, but I was impressed at how mature I was throughout the whole ordeal. There were many moments I could have done something really stupid based on what I was presented. I think I'm getting too old for bullshit.

I want love. True love. Undeniably passionate and unconditional love. Maybe he's already on his way...

Now with Energy 92.7 gone

Now that Energy 92.7 FM is off the air (it's now converted into a generic Top 40 station that isn't very good by someone who recently bought it) I need to find my radio groove. Yes, I know radio is a dying medium. But for commuters, it totally rocks. Sure, I listen to NPR (KQED in SF), but sometimes the topics are dry. Recently people have clued us in on a NYC Station called Pulse 87.7 FM. It's like Energy, but in NY. Maybe I'll start listening to it at work. :)

Overheard

I'm at lunch and I'm overhearing a conversation between two people nearby on a pretty interesting topic. One person is choosing to leave YouTube and is explaining his reasoning. I like it when people stick with their gut and explain their reasoning as to why they feel some way.

Bodies

I think Robbie William's lyrics for his new single 'Bodies' capture what every gay man is thinking... sadly.

All we’ve ever wanted

Is to look good naked

Hope that someone can take it

God save me rejection

From my reflection,

I want perfection

Here is a sneak clip of his video:

After Dating for years, I'm beginning to think this is true

Convos At The Gym

One of the few places I'm silent is at the gym. (If you know me, I'm very rarely silent) I'm not much of a social-gym-goer and I prefer to get in and out. However, on occasion, the occasional convo might take place. But I never ask for spotting or tips on sets.

So goes this afternoon a lady comes up to me right as I finished doing some cardio at the 24 Hr. on Van Ness in SF.

'Do You Work At YouTube? You Look Familiar.'

Her name was Kathleen, and she used to work at YouTube up until this past January. (I started in Oct. 2008, so there was a few month overlap) She was in PR and sat in a nearby cube. She's been at Scribd, a local startup in SF since February 2009. It was totally cool to chat informally for about 10 minutes or so. It totally made my afternoon, especially after getting my car towed downtown (apparently I can't read signs and need an expensive lesson).

We chatted about life at startups, moving on at work, YouTube life and general marketing talk. These are the gym convos I can get used to!

Back In Action

So I've decided to start writing again. I took a long break but it's starting to feel like I've lacked my creative outlet.

Excited!