From North Beach to SoMa; A case of the Ex(s)

Friday was quite the interesting evening. I went to Tony's Pizza Napoletana in North Beach with my friend Greg. I love hanging out with him because he's so real, genuine and willing to open up. We both share each other's perspectives on subjects and never really have a dead conversation.

The wait wasn't too bad, maybe a half an hour when we arrived around 6:30pm. We walked around North Beach while we waited for our table. We ordered two pizza's... the daily limited edition Margherita (They Make a Max of 73 per day) and the 'Cal Italia.' I think the Margherita Pizza would have had potential to be delicious had they not actually sliced the pizza (leaving the juice to soak into the crust.) That's not how the serve pizza in Italy. Instead, the don't cut it and you can fold it over. :)

However, the Cal Italia, holy hell. That shit was like an orgasm in my mouth. Total foodgasm. I'm going back again to get that again. It must have crack in it. It has Asiagio, Mozzarella, Imported Italian Gorgonzola, Sweet Fig Preserve from Croatia, Prosciutto di Parma, Parmigiano and Balsamic Reduction.

After dinner, I chatted more with Greg at his place. I eventually left for the Castro to hang out with Harrison. I met Harrison at The Cafe, but it was a bit awkward of a crowd... blame it on tourists and Folsom Weekend.

I then headed to Dragon @ Eight in SoMa to celebrate with Charles for his 21st Bday bash. The night was going well. I ran into many friends, co-workers, etc. But there was a moment when my mood took a swing downward. I saw my recent ex, dancing on stage, grinding in some dude's dick. Classy. It's so ironic how he gave me shit for going out (when I don't even really drink) and then has the nerve to go out and act super trashy. I saw him again upstairs and decided to leave after saying hello to my friends and wishing Charles a happy 21st.

Just when I was going to leave with a frown on my face, I was greeted with a hug by a sweaty shirtless guy. I didn't see his face. So I pulled back and looked down to see who it was. My jaw dropped. My frown turned upside down into a smile. It was my oldest ex. My first real (and longest) relationship. He was 34, I was 24. Now I'm 26 and he's 36. He's here for Folsom Weekend. One of the main reasons we broke up was due to distance. But I was really close with him connection wise. He always lived in San Diego. I always lived in Nor Cal (and at a point, Michigan). So it didn't really work out for that alone. But it's nice to see him considering we haven't really interacted since 2007 or so.

I dunno, I'd never rekindle an old flame, but I would catch up. Coffee. Tea. Something. I guess it's the curious side of me. We'll see what happens...

Ending Toxic Relationships

More recently I've chosen to end a toxic relationship. Not because I didn't like the person, but I didn't like what they were about. What they represented. How they went through the motions. What they chose to believe. Who they chose to believe. Why they were passionate about things. Who they surrounded themselves by. The list can go on. This still doesn't mean they were a bad person by any means. Quite the contrary. There were many things I loved about the person, too. But it never reached the point of loving the person.

I still care for the person. But it's one of those things where you hope they snap out of it and enter reality. Look at the things that really matter in life. Making a life for themselves with things that matter. And most importantly, doing something that makes them who they are not not relying on the success of others. I refused to let it get to the point of making me a toxic individual.

Every relationship that I've been in leads me to other things that I find critical for a lasting romantic relationship. In this case, communication and the ability to get to know someone were at fail. These are pretty fundamental, even at the friendship level.

It was really hard for me to be the 'breaker-upper' since I've never really had to play that role before outright. Having to see someone's face when it's time... not so fun. Making a moment in time to actually go through the talk is also very difficult.

And you know what through me off? After I broke it off with him, I've felt the worst I've felt in a long time... even after I was broken up with by others. I shut down. Couldn't focus. Eventually I snapped out of it and didn't let it consume me or the relationships I have with friends.

Now I focus on the present. There are reasons why you have your friends. They're there for you through thick and thin. Through good and bad. And in my case, friendships always tend to last longer than romantic relationships. That's why I hold my friends so close to me.

The good news is that I'm on good terms with him. I've sat down and had lunch with him and tried to have a normal every day conversation with him. I knew he wouldn't want to ever discuss why things didn't work (he sent me a re-break-up email... as if it mattered). I still want to pursue a friendship because I still care for the guy.

Not to toot my own horn, but I was impressed at how mature I was throughout the whole ordeal. There were many moments I could have done something really stupid based on what I was presented. I think I'm getting too old for bullshit.

I want love. True love. Undeniably passionate and unconditional love. Maybe he's already on his way...

The Relation Between Racial Attraction & Weight Loss

There are so many topics I feel I can write about dealing with achieving a major weight loss. I probably should just make time to write a book about it.

One of the more intriguing and controversial has to deal with the gay racial hierarchy of perceived attractiveness. Whether we like to believe it or not, there is definitely a social hierarchy revolving around race in the gay community. Perceived physical attractiveness in the gay community has many factors --- one among them being race. Some might throw in masculinity, muscle build or height/weight ratio.

People can argue different points or opinions on the subject, but I'm going to present you what I feel is a pretty good correlation between my weight loss and the point in time a particular race found me attractive.

Here goes it:

~ 300 lbs --> Black Guys and Overweight guys found me attractive.
~ 250 lbs --> Latino Guys found me attractive
~ 200 lbs --> Asian Guys found me attractive
~ 175-180 lbs (Present) --> White Guys found me attractive.

This is not to say that Asian, Black or Latino guys now don't currently find me attractive, but it's at a certain point where there was clearly more interest from White guys.

Ty told me about a study he did in college about race and the gay community --- we both kind of agree about the underlying racial hierarchy in the gay community. There are obviously more races than those listed above. There are also subcategories of race... e.g. Vietnamese vs. Chinese that have some untold hierarchy in the gay community.

This observation was definitely more of an afterthought than something I noticed at the time it was happening. I find it intriguing and it's something I wouldn't mind doing more research on.

When dating doesn't work out: The Mr. Y aftermath

So I really never wrote about this, but me and Mr. Y had a conversation after Christmas about how I felt about him. I really wanted to date Mr. Y but at one point in my heart of hearts I realized he wasn't interested. This was probably around early December. I of course didn't want to believe this so I kept my pursuit on.

My heart needed a concrete answer to more forward either way. How it all went down as far as me telling Mr. Y that I liked him and was interested in something beyond friendship was kinda amusing. Mr. Y told my friend Ty that he wasn't interested in dating me one night while we were clubbing with friends. Ultimately Mr. Y knew he would have to tell me in person how he felt too.

In the meantime, I didn't know this and decided to set up a coffee convo with Mr. Y to let him know how I felt about him. At first I was kind of surprised he agreed because Mr. Y was a bit stand-off-ish the prior evening when we hung out with our group of friends in LA. I give Ty a call to let him know what I was going to do and also just asked him to recap the previous night because I was so drunk I blacked out much of the evening (First time, ever, mind you.) Side Note: To be completely honest, I decided to drink because I knew Mr. Y wasn't interested and I just wanted to have fun. Apparently I'm a cheap date and my tolerance is uber low.

I digress. So Ty and I have a phone conversation where he was like '3 things happened last night, two of which you should be proud of --- but there is a bit of bad news.' I wasn't entirely sure what was about to come. Ty broke it down at first and started with the two positives:

• You met Anthony and there seems to be mutual interest.
• You made out with Chris. (Really, I didn't want that at all... not entirely sure how that happened... oh wait, it was the alcohol.) Chris asked me out on a date the next day.

Then Ty was like I have some bad news. At this point, I kinda knew what would be coming.

• He said Mr. Y and him stepped outside the club last night. Mr. Y told Ty that there was no interest on his end.

My initial reaction of the rejection when Ty told me was one of anger and disappointment, then sadness came in. Ty was really impressive with helping me through the bad news. He was really supportive.

Fast forward back to the day after when a coffee date was scheduled. I get a hold of Mr. Y on the phone to set up deets of the coffee excursion. I pretty much start off by letting him know that Ty told me everything they talked about the night prior but I still think we should meet in person to discuss everything and clear it up. It was sorta nice because now I knew going into the convo what was going to happen. Instead of the original scenario, where I knew nothing and woulda looked like a fool being shocked upon rejection, I knew walking into the coffee talk that I would be rejected.

Mr. Y and I hung out in Old Town Pasadena, grabbed some Tea/Coffee at Cafe Alibi and chatted outside in their garden. The conversation was very interesting and heartfelt. I upfront set up the expectations that I expect nothing but honesty to come out of this and I prefer the truth over anything sugarcoated. That evening was the closest I felt to Mr. Y ever. Ironic how a rejection conversation brings you closer as friends.

I let him know that I appreciated that he took the time out to chat when we both were winding down our holiday vacation stay in LA when time was a bit precious with friends and family.

He let me know that 'As cheesy as this sounds, I don't want to lose you as a friend.' Mr. Y cheered me up and we both decided to stroll a bit longer in Old Town because 'Fuck, we paid for parking!'

We went to a book store and checked out the Sexstrology book I had referenced prior in the afternoon. We both got a good laugh.

I let Mr. Y know that It's going to take a while for my feelings to subside, but I'm cool with being friends. Often times people say 'Let's be friends' when the really mean, "Um, I actually don't want to make the time for you, but It sounds better if I say 'Let's Be Friends!"

Ultimately I feel comfortable telling Mr. Y things I notice, even if I feel he may think it's awkward. I let him know I noticed he was avoiding dancing with me if we ever went out clubbing. I think subconsciously so was I, so no feelings would come back.

The best part about the whole thing is that we have a stronger friendship in comparison to anything we had while we were dating (for lack of a better word because I'm sure he'll say we never really dated... but whatevs).

Even though I've only know Mr. Y since October '08, I feel really comfortable around him to tell him anything that's on my mind. Occasionally we're both silent after we say something to each other and we're unsure of what the other is thinking, but I'm amused by that.

One of the best things is that Mr. Y lets me know he's thankful he has me as a good friend. I let him know the same...

Getting over guys

I haven't been in long enough of a relationship to know what it feels like to get over a guy. If I get rejected or something fizzles, it usually takes me about 3 weeks to a month to re-coop and adjust.

I've only had 3ish month relationships, so I'm not sure how I would handle a breakup of a year +. I often have to sympathize with friends who've been in 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 year relationships when they end. I'm sure it's no fun. In many of those cases, I feel like you're gonna need at least a year to recoop to feel like you're ready for another relationship.

I'm not quite sure I envy the feeling of friends who've gone through this, but even my short stints of having to get over a guy hurts. I can only imagine the pain my friends have gone through when they have a breakup of long term relationship.

What I do know is that if there is one side with feelings, it's probably best to not be in contact with your ex. It's like a constant reminder of what could have been. Sure, people say 'Oh... we can make being friends work out.' I beg to differ when the breakup is over a long term relationship when one side still has feelings. It's not to say down the road when both sides are more healthy that it's not possible to be friends.

In particular it's really hard to give the above advice (re: cut off contact) to friends who've had long-term relationship breakups. It's not what they want to hear. But I think it's the best solution and what the doctor would order...

Engagement

So one of my best friends, Jonathan, just got engaged according to Facebook. We go way back --- grade school but became really close in High School.

I'm not entirely certain what I'm supposed to feel, other than happy and congratulate him. He deserves to be really happy after all he's been through in his life.

I haven't seen him in a while --- mainly because he's been attached like no other to the girl he just got engaged to.

So out of the High School 4 (Me, Jonathan, Angelo and Sherif) --- Jonathan gets engaged first. Congrats!

Intense Break

I've had a good week off work during the holidays, but it's been really intense in many respects, both mentally and physically. I'll write a more detailed entry later, but in short:

• Amanda pulled through. My friend who got into a terrible car accident with little chance of survival from her doctors came back strong. She just recently blogged live from the Hospital Room. I knew she'd pull through because she is one tough cookie!
• It's a small world. Good people know good people. Having many worlds from different time periods of my life collide at once is highly entertaining to say the least.
  
• Communication is key. I'm thrilled that I have good friends who can be really honest with me, even when they know I'll be hurt. I've had to have conversations that I'm not quite used to, but I'm glad I did in the end. My whole outlook has changed for the better.
• Captain obvious is usually right. No matter how much you're in denial, the obvious will always end up being true. One's intuition can be ignored, but in most cases is spot on.
  
• Sleep is lacking. I had a surprisingly hard time sleeping in LA. I got around 4-5 hours a night, and not very good sleep at that. Not quite sure what it was, but something felt off.
• Shopping is hard. Especially when it's an all day excursion. I think I'm much more of a get in get out kinda guy... most of the time. Although, finding good deals amongst piles of crap is always fun!

I'm ready for a fresh start in 2009. It'll get off to a bang in New York City! Yay! I'll post some goals that I want to focus on in the coming year later this week. Details, pictures, etc. will be coming soon (aka. when i get some sleep)

The Dating Mind Game with Mr. X & Y

Over the past 5 or so months, I've really only talked to two-ish guys (beyond the guy I actually 'dated' more seriously, mentioned in my previous entry about running into exes).

The first of whom , let's call him Mr. X, I met in the beginning of the summer '08. Mr. X is a guy I would place in the 'hot' category. Definitely in the upper echelon physically. We had our fun hanging out with each other both with friends and alone. I felt like I was putting in all the work, setting up dates and dinners, whereas he'd just accept. On top of that, he really can't communicate on a 1:1 basis. Nor would he open up about what was going on in his life. Most of his responses would be 5 words or less. So my friend Ty advised me to 'lay off' and see if he 'notices' me not being around. I took his advice --- and it took Mr. X two weeks to get proactive and send me a text without me being the one to initiate. It read something like: 'Hey How you been? Haven't heard from you in a while.'

Bammo. That's pretty much what I needed. Ty was like 'Fuck that shit.... you snooze you lose!' So that text pretty much answered my question of 'Hey I'm interested, but you really should be doing all the work still.' However, I'm now in the 'He can set up something if he wants, but I'm not putting in any more effort' mode.

So during those two weeks in October where Mr. X didn't proactively communicate with me, I met Mr. Y. I met Mr. Y in person at a club, just by random chance. What was interesting was that was the first time I went to a club in a while just to have fun with friends, with no intentions of checking people out for a date and whatnot. So I was in a really good mood because the music was fun and I was having a blast with people who surrounded me.

Truth be told, the moment I laid my eyes on Mr. Y, I thought, 'Who the hell is he?' in my head. He was what I would place in the 'Urban Adorable' category. He's not muscular in the way Mr. X was, but he had an urban style and a really cute face with a smile to match.

I noticed Mr. Y checking me out too in the corner of my eye. It would be one of those 'Look and then immediately turn your head so he doesn't notice me looking' kinda deals. We would both be dancing with our distinctive friend sets, as you do at clubs. We both were doing the eye glances to each other for a good 20 minutes before Mr. Y made the first introduction. I thought, 'Fuck, the dude actually came to me. That's a change. A proactive guy.'

We actually chatted and flirted for a good hour or so off in the corner away from both of our sets of friends. I'm pretty sure we were both sober, which was really refreshing, too. Around two hours into flirting, chatting and casually dancing with Mr. Y is when things got more interesting. That Hip Hop song that goes like 'Put your back into it, put your ass into it...' came on. I asked Mr. Y, 'Should I should follow directions?' =P He didn't oppose by any means. So we do a little grinding and dirty dancing. By the end of the evening we were making out. Mr. Y was a good kisser, too. I kinda didn't want the evening to end. (Not in that way, pervs). I would have wanted to chat a bit longer to get to know Mr. Y. We exchanged phone numbers.

He had to go back to the East Bay and I had to drive back down to the South Bay. I sent him a 'good night' text. Turns out he left his phone at his friends place, so I didn't hear from him for a while. He ended up getting a new fancy phone because his old one was decrepit. I asked to see this new fancy phone in person. (Ahem... setting up a date.)

Side note: I got near immediate feedback from Ty asking, 'Why they hell did it take 2 freaking hours to start grinding with Mr Y? We were all waiting for it to happen!' My answer: I'm shy. Plus, I'm not super aggresive in a club context. Back to the regularly scheduled program...

Let me tell you, that first date with Mr. Y took foreeeeeeever to get going. I would estimate a good month. In the meantime, we texted and chatted and whatnot. There were holidays and conflicting work/school schedules for a while. We've hung out a few times alone and in groups again. I've enjoyed every moment of it.

Strangely enough, people assumed we were an 'item' from the very beginning. I said 'I wasn't opposed' to him. Haha. But anyways, anytime I go out now people ask 'Where's Mr. Y?' or 'How are you and Mr. Y doing?' People are following us like a hawk apparently.

What I like about Mr. Y is that we met naturally (nothing felt forced) and I feel comfortable around him. I felt we clicked from the get go. Also, his friend set is completely different than mine, although, we both have met some of each others friends.

Ty doesn't want me to jump the gun. My problem now is balancing (1) Letting him know I'm interested and that I care with (2) Not overwhelming him. 'Mr. Y would be a dumbass if he didn't know you were interested,' exclaims Ty. Ty also wants me not to fall into the trap I had with Mr. X, where I was putting in all the effort and the other person wasn't setting up dates.

If you know me well, you're clued in that I'm not the most confident guy out there. That's due to a variety of reasons. When guys don't respond to me or get proactive, I start to really doubt myself and whether or not I'm worthy of a guy. It's sad, I know. I constantly feel like I'm playing a Mind Game.

My other friend Danny always proclaims, 'Why the hell aren't guys just straightforward? If you're interested, just say something! No one is fucking forward with anyone anymore in SF.'

Ty really wants me to just 'Chill.' He uses that term because I tend to freak out really quickly with guys. I really trust Ty because (1) He's Smart, (2) He's had multiple long term relationships, (3) He's not been single for over 3 years. Plus, he's kinda like a Celebrity in the Gay Community. He knows everyone.

Ty suggests a few things for me:

• Chill. Don't overanalyze. (I think it's nearly impossible for me)
• Get a hobby. I don't really have a solid one right now. I do 'things' but I really should have a solid hobby.
• If not a hobby, join an organization.
• Instead of worrying about Mr. Y, surround yourself with friends. They'll help you keep your mind of him.
• Have Mr. Y get proactive. If he snoozes, he loses.
• Date Multiple People at the Same Time. This one is particularly hard for me. Ty thinks it will then be survival of the fittest. I personally feel like I'm cheating. Well, mind cheating at the very least.

Now, It's not like I didn't know about all of this stuff. Ty just has a really good way of harping on it. You'll notice that most if not all of these things were on my '2008 Mantra: Focus On Myself and Not Dating' blog entry.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but deep down I know I'm a great catch. Mr. Y just needs to get on it!

Running into Ex's

When you date, you'll inevitably gain an ex. Thankfully, I've always had amicable breakups on good terms. Still, the moment you randomly run into an ex is going to feel a bit awkward.

Rewind to Saturday Night. I went out to a Holiday House Party in the Castro at Ryan's Place. After the House Party, Jesse, Ian, Leo, Richard, Jordan and I headed to Lime for some hip hop. (Side Note: You know when Lime is now your Hip Hop destination, something is a bit off. Both Jet and Transfer are being remodeled).

On the walk from 19th/Castro to Lime, I bumped into Peter, who i dated for a few months during the summer. He was with another white guy --- who I can only assume he's dating. I gave a wave (mainly because it was cold) not expecting a stop/catch up talk. I don't think Peter recognized me at first. Probably because I was wearing a Santa Hat. Anywho, Peter got (overly) excited -- even doing a little mini jump in the air -- and made the effort to actually stop and say hi. We exchanged brief words and moved on.

It was definitely nice to see him because we didn't break up in person. It was just a little awkward because of (1) His Reaction, (2) It was really cold, (3) I was with a group of people but didn't introduce him.

After we continued our trek to Lime, Ian had made a comment like [insert sarcasm] 'Wow, you couldn't tell he was gay at all, huh?' He saved himself by adding... 'He was cute, though!'

Is silence really golden?

While vacationing in Hawaii, It's not uncommon to see a lot of couples. I mean... a lot of couples. Couples that are dating, married, on honeymoons, getting married... you get the whole bit in one place.

Over the past week, I've done a lot of observing. I'm noticing something I really didn't care too much to think about in the past.

What you ask? Silence

Can you hear it? Neither can I.

I've always assumed that most couples spend their time being chatty. Oh no. They're really not. We're talking a lot of time is spent being eerily silent.

I guess I've gone through life assuming silence is boring or the other person is uninterested if both people are quiet.

I mean, I know you have to be ultra comfortable with someone to get to the point of silence being golden, but I don't think I've quite been there yet.

I'll let ya know if I ever do...

How do you crack someone who's shy?

There's always been something intriguing about shy guys to me. I'm a very shy guy in social settings, especially around people I don't know.

But what happens when you are interested in a shy guy? How do you crack them open? How can you get them to reveal themselves? Is it possible to do without it being awkward? Or is it the awkwardness that's the key?

How is this even possible when you're shy yourself? Ugh.

I ask myself these questions because I've been intrigued by someone for quite a while. We've mainly hung out with each other in group settings, which has been fun. It's easy to gauge someone's personality that way. But 1:1, we're both kinda shy. I know there's something there that I really like about him. It has nothing to do with the way he looks on the outside --- it's all about the inside.

The problem also lies that I'm intimidated by what I see on the outside. Many people would put him in the 'hot' category. But that's not why I'm interested in him.

To be continued...

Sex In Suburbia: Edition # 1

Any potential with a relationship with anyone who I've been on dates with in the past few months has come and gone.

It's back to the drawing board. I get most of the signals guys pass when they're 'just not that into you.'

I mean, I'm guilty of the same thing. Not calling you back as much, etc. It just sucks when it happens to you. I guess I expect some sort of reason for cutting off contact completely. Not responding to calls, etc. after everything is appearing to be going well.

If two months goes by after talking to each other almost daily and then all of a sudden things end without closure, I tend to wonder, wtf?

Yes, excuses like 'I'm busy' can be the answer, but even that isn't good enough of an excuse in my book. If you have time to brush your teeth, you have time to respond to a phone call, taking 2 minutes out of your day just to say hello.

Another Sea, Another Fish, I say...