I'm 26

And I don't know what the heck I want. Work, Life, Love.

Sadness.

I mean, I have ideas. But I get distracted, side-tracked.

I want to see what my 2010 life will look like.

Mind, Body and...

Soul/Spirit are usually what follows that phrase.

It's Thanksgiving evening and I'm at home in Los Angeles, CA. I can't help but contemplate here. It's pretty much all I did while I lived and grew up here.

I got to thinking that I spent age 1 to 23 focusing on building my mind. I studied and focused on academics. I spent age 23 to the present focusing on my body. I've lacked building my soul, though. I feel a bit incomplete there. I try to surround myself by people who inspire soul-building, though.

I'm going to focus age 26+ not only improving my mind and body, but my soul. I'm thankful I have wonderful friends and family that inspire me to grow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Getting Tired of It

With all of the folks leaving my workplace after many years of working there for one reason or another (going back to school to wanting different work experience), I'm starting to really think hard of what I want career-wise. It's getting close to an un-official 4 years at the GOOG/YouTube. I love the company and the co-workers, but something is really off.

Today was an exhausting day. I haven't had this bad of a work week ever really in my near 4 years of working at GOOG. Drama is sky high. People aren't being professional. I'm getting called out all while dollars are at stake. The pressure is high and I'm not really digging it. In fact, I'm over it. I'm doing work that started out as a favor and is now taking a significant portion of my time. I can't focus and am pulled in a billion different directions. I'm dealing with customers of all segments (GMS, DCS, Torso and Long Tail) and people don't seem to seem to understand how difficult it is to juggle processes for all of these types of customers.

I know bad work weeks shouldn't get the best of me. It's sorta like when personal drama shouldn't affect work life. The weeks don't seem to be getting better, though. And people leaving left and right don't seem to have a positive effect on morale.

I'm thankful my manager seems to want me to be happy. He's always had my back, which I really appreciate. In fact, he basically let me bitch at him for an hour today while we got coffee. He sensed my frustration (well, I'm not good at hiding things) and just chatted about job happiness. Now I have to think long and hard of what I want and solutions to get me there.

Missing the Midwest

This time of year always has me missing the Midwest. The Fall, my favorite season, is when I lived in Ann Arbor, Michigan in 2007. I loved the simplicity of life. Don't get me wrong, I took many trips to Chicago, Detroit and Toronto to inject some city in me, but I loved the leaves, weather, people and mid-size town living of A2. There is nothing like slowing down, noticing the small things and absorbing it all in. You also realize what life's really all about...

Here's to Ann Arbor and the midwest... <3 you.

The Phone Call

It's really hard for me to go to sleep tonight. I had another relatively bad day. The bad days seem to be stacking up and compounding on each other.

Today, it was all about a phone call. It was him. He made me smile. He made me giddy. Then it seemed to end so quickly out of the blue. What could have been was very promising. His reasoning made it seem as if nothing was personal. I guess that's a good thing.

I keep on hearing from friends, 'You're a great guy. Great catch. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You're smart, funny, attractive and very accomplished.'

I think I can hear that a million times and never absorb it. I guess maybe I feel friends aren't lovers, so it can go in one ear and out the other.

Part of it has to do with me taking compliments. I'm not used to it. It's a relatively new phenomena for me to deal with... maybe in the past 2 or so years. I guess absorbing and accepting compliments is a downfall of mine. It's most definitely related to my past of being a heavier guy.

I'm trying to tell myself it's not me, but it's starting to get very hard to believe.

From North Beach to SoMa; A case of the Ex(s)

Friday was quite the interesting evening. I went to Tony's Pizza Napoletana in North Beach with my friend Greg. I love hanging out with him because he's so real, genuine and willing to open up. We both share each other's perspectives on subjects and never really have a dead conversation.

The wait wasn't too bad, maybe a half an hour when we arrived around 6:30pm. We walked around North Beach while we waited for our table. We ordered two pizza's... the daily limited edition Margherita (They Make a Max of 73 per day) and the 'Cal Italia.' I think the Margherita Pizza would have had potential to be delicious had they not actually sliced the pizza (leaving the juice to soak into the crust.) That's not how the serve pizza in Italy. Instead, the don't cut it and you can fold it over. :)

However, the Cal Italia, holy hell. That shit was like an orgasm in my mouth. Total foodgasm. I'm going back again to get that again. It must have crack in it. It has Asiagio, Mozzarella, Imported Italian Gorgonzola, Sweet Fig Preserve from Croatia, Prosciutto di Parma, Parmigiano and Balsamic Reduction.

After dinner, I chatted more with Greg at his place. I eventually left for the Castro to hang out with Harrison. I met Harrison at The Cafe, but it was a bit awkward of a crowd... blame it on tourists and Folsom Weekend.

I then headed to Dragon @ Eight in SoMa to celebrate with Charles for his 21st Bday bash. The night was going well. I ran into many friends, co-workers, etc. But there was a moment when my mood took a swing downward. I saw my recent ex, dancing on stage, grinding in some dude's dick. Classy. It's so ironic how he gave me shit for going out (when I don't even really drink) and then has the nerve to go out and act super trashy. I saw him again upstairs and decided to leave after saying hello to my friends and wishing Charles a happy 21st.

Just when I was going to leave with a frown on my face, I was greeted with a hug by a sweaty shirtless guy. I didn't see his face. So I pulled back and looked down to see who it was. My jaw dropped. My frown turned upside down into a smile. It was my oldest ex. My first real (and longest) relationship. He was 34, I was 24. Now I'm 26 and he's 36. He's here for Folsom Weekend. One of the main reasons we broke up was due to distance. But I was really close with him connection wise. He always lived in San Diego. I always lived in Nor Cal (and at a point, Michigan). So it didn't really work out for that alone. But it's nice to see him considering we haven't really interacted since 2007 or so.

I dunno, I'd never rekindle an old flame, but I would catch up. Coffee. Tea. Something. I guess it's the curious side of me. We'll see what happens...

Jon Made Me Smile. Or Maybe IRDLOLFR.

Looking back at 25, Looking ahead at 26

So I've been thinking about turning 26 for the past few days but tried not to spend too much time dwelling on it. I think I'm relatively positive about turning a year older. Yes, it's over the 'hump,' one year closer to 30, and my next quarter-century of life. Does that mean I'm over a quarter-life crisis? Meeebbbeee.

25 is a pretty cool age. It was one of the first years I've felt like a true adult. I'd been living on my own, post-college, for a few years, and had been in my career life for 6 or so years.

Looking back at 25

• It was the first time I was surprised on my birthday. In a work conference room at dinner, no less. Thanks Ty, Nai, and the rest of you who were in on it.
• I traveled to NYC with Ty and Paul and learned a lot from them in the process.
• I switched jobs at work, moving from Google in Mountain View to YouTube in San Bruno. I had to get used to working in a small office with the size of a team I could count on one hand. I also was part of a product launch team.
• I moved to San Francisco (with the moving help of Nai), after kicking and screaming about doing so for years. It was a good move, but there are elements of the Silicon Valley that I miss.
• I bought my first Mac. It was a 15" MacBook Pro, in case you were wondering. After years of being a PC guy, I decided to make the switch. I'm relatively happy with it.
• I worked at MacWorld, representing Google's Picasa for Mac.
• I got rejected from a love interest, who later became one of my best friends. I couldn't ask for a better Bestie.
• I kept 120 lbs off, for the 2nd year in a row.
• I fought hard at opposing Prop 8 passing in California. I traveled to many demonstrations in the Bay Area and Sacramento to protest.
• I saw Madonna for the first time in concert. Just my fate to get a flat tire on the way there. I'm thankful for BART.
• I saw New Kids on the Block in concert. It was my favorite concert last year.
• I donated 8 bags of my fat clothes to good will.
• It was the first year I participated in SF's Dine About Town (Universal Cafe, Choquets, Ruth's Chris).
• I went to Folsom Street Fair for the first time with my besties from UC Riverside.
• I went with Ty to spontaneously get his ear pierced.
• I traveled for the first time outside North America. I went to Europe (London, Rome, Venice, Berlin, Paris).
• It was the first time I held dinner parties at my apartment.
• I volunteered at Edna Brewer Middle School to help restore a mural.
• I participated for the 3rd year in Google's SF Pride contingent and getting a page on SFist.com.
• I met the B-52's Fred Schneider at the Mix during Pride Weekend. I had the balls to go up to him. We hung out for a little bit.
• I was a mentor for Google's BOLD (Building Opportunity Through Leadership) Internship Program.
• It was the first year I started to take photography as a hobby seriously.
• It was the first year I invested in the stock market. I've learned a lot.
• I learned that I had a passion for running outside. I've been running on the Embarcadero ever since.
• Living in SF had a positive impact on my dating life. I dated a few people, all of whom I could see with myself long term in one way or another.

Of course this list isn't comprehensive.

Looking Ahead at 26

I'm a pretty excited for what's ahead. I have a lot of goals and unanswered questions.

• Where will I travel next?
• What's the next step in my career?
• Will I continue my formal education?
• Which passions will I foster?
• Which passions did I not know I have?
• Who will I make an impact on?
• Who will make an impact on me?
• Will I be in a Long Term Relationship?

Only time will tell. The mystery is what's intriguing...

Inspiration over Google Chat: The Best Straightie Awards

I was talking with Jon Jon over IM and I was discussing "My Best Straightie." This is in reference to my best straight male friend (not that I need to make a distinction between the gay v. straight friends but I tend to.)

Then we randomly got sidetracked and discussing how we can create an award show for them. You know, those straight people in the lives of gays that deserve to be honored for just being awesome. Sticking by our side. Having the talks about romance even when they can't relate. You know the type. They're just awesome and we love them for it.

I totally think we should wrangle together a bunch of straight folks and surprise them. Honor them... for being them. Now I need to wrangle the gays to get on board.

Jon Jon: "Aaaaand, the Best Straightie for 2009 goes to.........."

Me: You know what would be cool. if we ACTUALLY did that and we had a ceremony

Jon Jon: totally. it could be so fabulous... like the emmy's and stuff

and then there'd be the whole best/worst dressed gossip after the ceremony

"Best Dressed Nominee John Doe should have just handed back his nomination for his awful awful combination of plaid and polkadots. Clearly the queen who nominated him didnt have a fashion bone in her body"

"....and back to you at the Red Carpet, Will..."

Me: yea. you've totally mapped this out in your head already. we'd make it fabulous. the straigties never get nods.

Why Do I Blog?

I often think about why I blog. I think a lot of people blog for many different reasons. I started and still blog for it to be my 'online diary' to share thoughts, opinions, etc. It's more of a memory tool rather than to self-promote myself. It's also a creative outlet. I like to write -- whether or not I have correct grammar or punctuation. It's a form of self-expression. And in my case, anyone can read it. I don't censor who can and can't read what I have to say. I mean, what's the point? Sure, there will also be some creepy stalker who probably shouldn't be seeing what I have to say. But that shouldn't prevent me from writing what I feel. And if you're a creepy stalker, might as well say 'Hi!'

I've been blogging in some form since the 90's. That dates me a bit. Before RSS. Before Ajax. Before CSS. I had a website with journal entries, then an LJ, then a Xanga, then a Blogger.

I prefer to type over physically write. I always have. Even as a kid, I never would write down my thoughts on paper, rather, I'd go directly to the typewritter and start writing. I like how I can correct myself in a matter of a few key strokes. I also like the sense of something not being permanent. There are instances where I write down on paper, like during my recent trip to Europe.

There are many cases in the past and present in which something I've wrote that can be seen publicly has gotten me in trouble with people. In most cases, people understand it's a form of expression. You move on. It's an opinion. Some people prefer to be private. I usually do, but I'm starting to really not care what people think of or about me. I know who I am and those close to me do as well.

Some people have preferred communication methods. Some prefer to have an in person conversation over writing an email. Some prefer the phone over an IM. Some people chose to deal with important subjects over an email when it should be talked about in person. Thus the blog. You can write and it floats out in space. Someone can read it or not. Maybe it will stroke an in person conversation.

In any case, I write for me and no one else.

Jorge Cruise stops by YouTube

We are fortunate to have awesome people swing by Google and YouTube every so often. I wrangled my health buddy Brittany to come up from Mountain View to San Bruno for a YouTube Tech Talk called 'The Calorie Myth' from author/health guru Jorge Cruise. He's an awesome guy who's passionate about evangelizing good health. He and I have similar backgrounds (were overweight, of latino descent, etc) and I'm impressed with what he's been able to accomplish.

He has a movie coming out called 'The Calorie Myth' which aims to debunk all we've learned about calories that comes out in January 2010. Instead, we should focus on our sugar intake.



We took a few pictures. Maybe I'll appear on his website soon. :D

Quotable Week

Here is a mix of real world quotes from friends as well as a couple thrown in from TV shows:

"Will, I knew you guys wouldn't last. I mean, he was so adamantly opposed to Glee. How can you not like Glee?" -Roland H.

"Will, I love your kitchen. It reminds me of a playschool toy set.' -Tony V.

"Are you sure he's straight? He's going to a Miley Cyrus concert.' -Greg D.

"Are you straight? Nope, you can't touch my breasts." -Yohana to Angelo

"Remind me not to name my kids Andrew." -Cindy C.

"Don't be Tardy for the Party... Whoa... Whoa" -Kim (a la The Real Housewives of Atlanta)

"I'm trying to figure out how to keep this disco ball." -Mark S.

"I really dislike White people today. Don't worry, I'll be back to hating on Asians again by tomorrow morning." -Chris L. (via Twitter)

"Do you like going to these events? I sure to see you and Ty at a lot of them." -Evan L.

"Will, Who's the woman in your calender?" [Insert Head Nod of Approval] -Tom P.

"Look at his profile. He's really handsome. Classically Handsome.' -Jodi, Caricature Artist

"You aren't ugly." -Compliment from a random guy at The Cafe.

"Omg I am at bday party in Hollywood hills as Chris is w all gay LA boys rite now. Where are youuu? And we just ate chinese takeout!" - Steph K. (via text)

"I miss TV Theme Songs. Soon, the theme song for 3 and a half men is just gonna be 'Meeeeh.'" -Neil Patrick Harris at the Emmys

"You sure are playing the role of the Bestie." -Tony V.

"I need something more than selling pot and writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction.' -Sandy on FOX's Glee

Ending Toxic Relationships

More recently I've chosen to end a toxic relationship. Not because I didn't like the person, but I didn't like what they were about. What they represented. How they went through the motions. What they chose to believe. Who they chose to believe. Why they were passionate about things. Who they surrounded themselves by. The list can go on. This still doesn't mean they were a bad person by any means. Quite the contrary. There were many things I loved about the person, too. But it never reached the point of loving the person.

I still care for the person. But it's one of those things where you hope they snap out of it and enter reality. Look at the things that really matter in life. Making a life for themselves with things that matter. And most importantly, doing something that makes them who they are not not relying on the success of others. I refused to let it get to the point of making me a toxic individual.

Every relationship that I've been in leads me to other things that I find critical for a lasting romantic relationship. In this case, communication and the ability to get to know someone were at fail. These are pretty fundamental, even at the friendship level.

It was really hard for me to be the 'breaker-upper' since I've never really had to play that role before outright. Having to see someone's face when it's time... not so fun. Making a moment in time to actually go through the talk is also very difficult.

And you know what through me off? After I broke it off with him, I've felt the worst I've felt in a long time... even after I was broken up with by others. I shut down. Couldn't focus. Eventually I snapped out of it and didn't let it consume me or the relationships I have with friends.

Now I focus on the present. There are reasons why you have your friends. They're there for you through thick and thin. Through good and bad. And in my case, friendships always tend to last longer than romantic relationships. That's why I hold my friends so close to me.

The good news is that I'm on good terms with him. I've sat down and had lunch with him and tried to have a normal every day conversation with him. I knew he wouldn't want to ever discuss why things didn't work (he sent me a re-break-up email... as if it mattered). I still want to pursue a friendship because I still care for the guy.

Not to toot my own horn, but I was impressed at how mature I was throughout the whole ordeal. There were many moments I could have done something really stupid based on what I was presented. I think I'm getting too old for bullshit.

I want love. True love. Undeniably passionate and unconditional love. Maybe he's already on his way...

Now with Energy 92.7 gone

Now that Energy 92.7 FM is off the air (it's now converted into a generic Top 40 station that isn't very good by someone who recently bought it) I need to find my radio groove. Yes, I know radio is a dying medium. But for commuters, it totally rocks. Sure, I listen to NPR (KQED in SF), but sometimes the topics are dry. Recently people have clued us in on a NYC Station called Pulse 87.7 FM. It's like Energy, but in NY. Maybe I'll start listening to it at work. :)

Overheard

I'm at lunch and I'm overhearing a conversation between two people nearby on a pretty interesting topic. One person is choosing to leave YouTube and is explaining his reasoning. I like it when people stick with their gut and explain their reasoning as to why they feel some way.

Bodies

I think Robbie William's lyrics for his new single 'Bodies' capture what every gay man is thinking... sadly.

All we’ve ever wanted

Is to look good naked

Hope that someone can take it

God save me rejection

From my reflection,

I want perfection

Here is a sneak clip of his video:

After Dating for years, I'm beginning to think this is true

Convos At The Gym

One of the few places I'm silent is at the gym. (If you know me, I'm very rarely silent) I'm not much of a social-gym-goer and I prefer to get in and out. However, on occasion, the occasional convo might take place. But I never ask for spotting or tips on sets.

So goes this afternoon a lady comes up to me right as I finished doing some cardio at the 24 Hr. on Van Ness in SF.

'Do You Work At YouTube? You Look Familiar.'

Her name was Kathleen, and she used to work at YouTube up until this past January. (I started in Oct. 2008, so there was a few month overlap) She was in PR and sat in a nearby cube. She's been at Scribd, a local startup in SF since February 2009. It was totally cool to chat informally for about 10 minutes or so. It totally made my afternoon, especially after getting my car towed downtown (apparently I can't read signs and need an expensive lesson).

We chatted about life at startups, moving on at work, YouTube life and general marketing talk. These are the gym convos I can get used to!

Back In Action

So I've decided to start writing again. I took a long break but it's starting to feel like I've lacked my creative outlet.

Excited!

Horoscope for Today is spot on

You are ready to enjoy yourself today, but it might not be as simple as you expect. You are willing to play, yet something holds you back from fully participating in the present moment. It's a challenge to balance your desire for pleasure now with your need to establish a deeper and more intimate connection. There's no reason for endless analysis. Just keep bringing your attention back to the current situation and act from your heart, not your head.

-------------

I'm not usually into horoscopes, but this is pretty spot on. *sigh*

Boys. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Calmness in LA

So I took a spontaneous Road Trip with Kevin to Los Angeles to surprise my mom for Mothers Day. It worked! Ty also went home to surprise his mom, too. It's one big ball of surprisingness in LA.

I always get mixed feelings about coming home. Who do you tell you're in town? It gets really hard cause you don't want to offend anyone but at the same time you don't want to feel overwhelmed. Well, I didn't really tell anyone I was coming down. I think that was the right strategy.

I haven't been back to LA since Christmas. Quite possibly my longest time away from home. I started to miss my family and a couple of places here and there. I often forget all that is LA. The traffic, the smog, the heat, the rice rockets, the pretty people, the hydraulics, the police chases, the plastic surgery, etc. I miss aspects of LA and I still get a sense of 'home,' at least when I come to the Valley. I love driving down Ventura Boulevard. It's like the Valley's only sense of Urban-ness. I don't think I'd move back anytime soon. But I do miss the feeling of a sense of calm when I'm at home. I'm not sure if it's worth it considering all the stress that would come along with traffic and the rest of LA bullsh*t.

I don't really have a point to this entry more than saying, I'm home... and I'm glad I came spontaneously. :)

TFLN is the new FML

So it seems nowadays that niche funny websites are all the rage. Inevitably the way to make money from these websites, say beyond AdSense, is to get a book deal.

Some of my favorite niche humorous websites include:

• FML or Fuck My Life - A website that chronicles the shitty things that happen in people's lives. fmylife.com
• Stuff White People Like - A website that chronicles... um... stuff white people like... in a satirical way.  stuffwhitepeoplelike.com
• People Who Deserve It - A website that discuss people who deserve to get punched in the face. Say you know... the person who brings 12 items in a 10 items or less line. peoplewhodeserveit.com
• Super Useless Super Powers - Exactly what it sounds like. It chronicles ideas of really useless super powers. :D http://superuseless.blogspot.com/

However, I will be adding a new one to the list. Drumroll...

• Texts from Last Night - A website that has text convos from people that are probably better left not shared with the public. Some awesome one liners! Textsfromlastnight.com

Dinner Date: Eggplant Parmesean & Late Harvest Chardonnay

Last night I had a dinner date with Lee. We did some shopping at Trader Joes before hand and headed to his apartment to cook and chat up a storm. We made this eggplant parmesean-ish dish with some italian sausage. It was really good. It was also just really fun to cook together. We listened to some tunes on his 'Chill Mix.'

I also got a chance to open up a bottle of wine I had sitting around at my apartment. It was the 2006 Cinnabar Late Harvest Chardonnay Dessert Wine. Boy was it amazing. Glad I brought it along.

I love chatting with him. We have so much in common it's pretty crazy.

Next up, we're gonna go rock-climbing. That should be fun!

New Blog Title

I haven't lived in the Silicon Valley for over a month. I think I need to change the title of my blog.

Netflix Film: Manhattan

So I started my Netflix subscription I got as a gift from my birthday last year. Haha... It's been forever. Thanks Sis.

My first movie was a random choice. I went with Woody Allen's Manhattan. I went to NYC in January, so it's still pretty fresh in my mind.

The cinematography was amazing. It's filmed in black and white. I haven't seen some of that camera work before in films, even though it's quite old from 1979.

The film is mostly dramatic with a few good one liners. The cast was pretty stellar too.

The storyline is about romance and maturity. Woody Allen is into this 17 year old High School girl who's more mature than he is. He falls in love with his friend's extramarital affair of a woman (Diane Keaton). However, things don't quite go his way...

4 out of 5 stars

Advertising in Digital Media for the Younger Generation

*Disclosure: I Work at YouTube*

I was having a conversation with Danny Reed while we were running the town amuck in Washington D.C. The topic of online ads in media came up.

He almost immediately talked about how he hated the pre-rolls on Hulu. That was his first gripe. It sorta surprised me (although I know the vast majority of the population prefer different forms of ads if given the choice in comparison to pre-rolls). I tend to hear from the older crowd (25+) that they're cool with pre-rolls. But the younger generation is WAY too impatient for a 15 second pre-roll.

I wonder if Online Media Distrubutors like YouTube and Hulu will actually let users set preferences to what types of ads they want to see. I guess it will come down to what the average CPM is for each form of advertisement.

Investing: Stick It Out

It's really easy to pull contributions or money out of investments during a tough economy.

But this presentation is quite convincing in arguing that 'Average Is Not Normal.' Essentially the stock market has averaged around 8-11% annual return. But that doesn't mean every year it has gains like that.

Look at this preso for more info:

Average Is Not Normal

View more presentations from Carl Richards. (tags: behavior gap)

Runners High

I love watching KQED. There's always something interesting to watch. I do DVR a few series, one being 'Truly CA.'

The latest episode, Runners High, is a truly inspiring story about an organization called Students Run Oakland (SRO) in which High School kids are trained to run in the Los Angeles Marathon. They get free running shoes to start off in their journey. However the ultimate goal is completing the marathon in Los Angeles. These kids aren't given many opportunities and at the end of the episode you get to see how several of the students progressed beyond High School.

The interesting thing is seeing the diversity of students - both physically and mentally - and how they approached the training. Some were larger, some were smaller. Most were out of shape to begin with. Many people bitched and moaned but were ultimately surprised with how much strain they could put on their body. It's a mental game. The documentary isn't so much about the Marathon as it is an analogy for life. You're gonna be faced with challenges, road blocks and other things in life. It's really about how you handle them, set goals and train your mind to get through them.

I definitely want to train to run a marathon, but start slow.

I know I can run a 5K (a little over 3 miles) in a little over 30 minutes. Next goal will be a 10K. I'll practice on the treadmill. :D

The Trailer

Straight Up Veto Power

Last weekend I was having a conversation at Verde with Adi when he talked about a concept he practices with his straight friends that I found fascinating and might even adapt into my life.

It's the concept of Straight Veto Power. Being a gay man in your 20's is a very difficult balance. You're getting to know yourself, the gay community and often times neglect your straight friends. You always end up doing 'gay things.' So Adi's straighties, once a month, get to veto a gay event that Adi goes to and instead hang out with him.

There may be cases where Adi looks like a flake because he said he would go somewhere but at the last minute gets struck down by the straighties.

I know that it sounds ridiculous having such a need for this power. But as it turns out, the gays like to plan... and plan a lot. We're talking having a calendar booked at least a month in advance. Thus BOOM... VETO POWER comes into play. :D

Naughty at work

Yesterday I had dinner with Nai at work after he got his Lasik check-up from his doctor.

Somehow the topic of people having sex at work came up. All I got to say is that I haven't laughed that hard at dinner with him in a long time. Dude... I miss hanging out with my main straightie.

The Relation Between Racial Attraction & Weight Loss

There are so many topics I feel I can write about dealing with achieving a major weight loss. I probably should just make time to write a book about it.

One of the more intriguing and controversial has to deal with the gay racial hierarchy of perceived attractiveness. Whether we like to believe it or not, there is definitely a social hierarchy revolving around race in the gay community. Perceived physical attractiveness in the gay community has many factors --- one among them being race. Some might throw in masculinity, muscle build or height/weight ratio.

People can argue different points or opinions on the subject, but I'm going to present you what I feel is a pretty good correlation between my weight loss and the point in time a particular race found me attractive.

Here goes it:

~ 300 lbs --> Black Guys and Overweight guys found me attractive.
~ 250 lbs --> Latino Guys found me attractive
~ 200 lbs --> Asian Guys found me attractive
~ 175-180 lbs (Present) --> White Guys found me attractive.

This is not to say that Asian, Black or Latino guys now don't currently find me attractive, but it's at a certain point where there was clearly more interest from White guys.

Ty told me about a study he did in college about race and the gay community --- we both kind of agree about the underlying racial hierarchy in the gay community. There are obviously more races than those listed above. There are also subcategories of race... e.g. Vietnamese vs. Chinese that have some untold hierarchy in the gay community.

This observation was definitely more of an afterthought than something I noticed at the time it was happening. I find it intriguing and it's something I wouldn't mind doing more research on.

When dating doesn't work out: The Mr. Y aftermath

So I really never wrote about this, but me and Mr. Y had a conversation after Christmas about how I felt about him. I really wanted to date Mr. Y but at one point in my heart of hearts I realized he wasn't interested. This was probably around early December. I of course didn't want to believe this so I kept my pursuit on.

My heart needed a concrete answer to more forward either way. How it all went down as far as me telling Mr. Y that I liked him and was interested in something beyond friendship was kinda amusing. Mr. Y told my friend Ty that he wasn't interested in dating me one night while we were clubbing with friends. Ultimately Mr. Y knew he would have to tell me in person how he felt too.

In the meantime, I didn't know this and decided to set up a coffee convo with Mr. Y to let him know how I felt about him. At first I was kind of surprised he agreed because Mr. Y was a bit stand-off-ish the prior evening when we hung out with our group of friends in LA. I give Ty a call to let him know what I was going to do and also just asked him to recap the previous night because I was so drunk I blacked out much of the evening (First time, ever, mind you.) Side Note: To be completely honest, I decided to drink because I knew Mr. Y wasn't interested and I just wanted to have fun. Apparently I'm a cheap date and my tolerance is uber low.

I digress. So Ty and I have a phone conversation where he was like '3 things happened last night, two of which you should be proud of --- but there is a bit of bad news.' I wasn't entirely sure what was about to come. Ty broke it down at first and started with the two positives:

• You met Anthony and there seems to be mutual interest.
• You made out with Chris. (Really, I didn't want that at all... not entirely sure how that happened... oh wait, it was the alcohol.) Chris asked me out on a date the next day.

Then Ty was like I have some bad news. At this point, I kinda knew what would be coming.

• He said Mr. Y and him stepped outside the club last night. Mr. Y told Ty that there was no interest on his end.

My initial reaction of the rejection when Ty told me was one of anger and disappointment, then sadness came in. Ty was really impressive with helping me through the bad news. He was really supportive.

Fast forward back to the day after when a coffee date was scheduled. I get a hold of Mr. Y on the phone to set up deets of the coffee excursion. I pretty much start off by letting him know that Ty told me everything they talked about the night prior but I still think we should meet in person to discuss everything and clear it up. It was sorta nice because now I knew going into the convo what was going to happen. Instead of the original scenario, where I knew nothing and woulda looked like a fool being shocked upon rejection, I knew walking into the coffee talk that I would be rejected.

Mr. Y and I hung out in Old Town Pasadena, grabbed some Tea/Coffee at Cafe Alibi and chatted outside in their garden. The conversation was very interesting and heartfelt. I upfront set up the expectations that I expect nothing but honesty to come out of this and I prefer the truth over anything sugarcoated. That evening was the closest I felt to Mr. Y ever. Ironic how a rejection conversation brings you closer as friends.

I let him know that I appreciated that he took the time out to chat when we both were winding down our holiday vacation stay in LA when time was a bit precious with friends and family.

He let me know that 'As cheesy as this sounds, I don't want to lose you as a friend.' Mr. Y cheered me up and we both decided to stroll a bit longer in Old Town because 'Fuck, we paid for parking!'

We went to a book store and checked out the Sexstrology book I had referenced prior in the afternoon. We both got a good laugh.

I let Mr. Y know that It's going to take a while for my feelings to subside, but I'm cool with being friends. Often times people say 'Let's be friends' when the really mean, "Um, I actually don't want to make the time for you, but It sounds better if I say 'Let's Be Friends!"

Ultimately I feel comfortable telling Mr. Y things I notice, even if I feel he may think it's awkward. I let him know I noticed he was avoiding dancing with me if we ever went out clubbing. I think subconsciously so was I, so no feelings would come back.

The best part about the whole thing is that we have a stronger friendship in comparison to anything we had while we were dating (for lack of a better word because I'm sure he'll say we never really dated... but whatevs).

Even though I've only know Mr. Y since October '08, I feel really comfortable around him to tell him anything that's on my mind. Occasionally we're both silent after we say something to each other and we're unsure of what the other is thinking, but I'm amused by that.

One of the best things is that Mr. Y lets me know he's thankful he has me as a good friend. I let him know the same...

Getting over guys

I haven't been in long enough of a relationship to know what it feels like to get over a guy. If I get rejected or something fizzles, it usually takes me about 3 weeks to a month to re-coop and adjust.

I've only had 3ish month relationships, so I'm not sure how I would handle a breakup of a year +. I often have to sympathize with friends who've been in 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 year relationships when they end. I'm sure it's no fun. In many of those cases, I feel like you're gonna need at least a year to recoop to feel like you're ready for another relationship.

I'm not quite sure I envy the feeling of friends who've gone through this, but even my short stints of having to get over a guy hurts. I can only imagine the pain my friends have gone through when they have a breakup of long term relationship.

What I do know is that if there is one side with feelings, it's probably best to not be in contact with your ex. It's like a constant reminder of what could have been. Sure, people say 'Oh... we can make being friends work out.' I beg to differ when the breakup is over a long term relationship when one side still has feelings. It's not to say down the road when both sides are more healthy that it's not possible to be friends.

In particular it's really hard to give the above advice (re: cut off contact) to friends who've had long-term relationship breakups. It's not what they want to hear. But I think it's the best solution and what the doctor would order...

Engagement

So one of my best friends, Jonathan, just got engaged according to Facebook. We go way back --- grade school but became really close in High School.

I'm not entirely certain what I'm supposed to feel, other than happy and congratulate him. He deserves to be really happy after all he's been through in his life.

I haven't seen him in a while --- mainly because he's been attached like no other to the girl he just got engaged to.

So out of the High School 4 (Me, Jonathan, Angelo and Sherif) --- Jonathan gets engaged first. Congrats!

Mariah

So last night at dinner at Fresca in Noe Valley, Joshua asked 'What's your favorite Mariah song?' to Jared and I.

I responded 'Pre or Post Meltdown?' He said it was all fair game. I responded instantly with 'Hero.'

That song for me is Mariah at her prime. As a kid, I thought she was amazing. That song in particular always gives me chills.

Turns out she re-recorded Hero for a new album called 'Ballads.' I think this version is a bit weaker, but still solid.

See the video here:

Inspiration for creativity

The great thing about taking a trip to New York is that it inspired a bit of creativity in me. The city has a way of making people think, observe and thrive.

I'm glad I made a decision on a whim to go to NYC with Ty and Paul. I had a lot of fun shopping, dining, roaming, meeting new people, seeing a broadway show, meeting up with old friends and working from Google's Chelsea Office.

I have a whole new wardrobe --- shoes to outerwear. Expect a Will with a bit more urban flavor.

Back to The Bay Area. I miss thee.

Post Vacation

So I'm still in NYC working from the Google Office here. I head back to the Bay Area on Thursday.

This is pretty much how I'm going to feel...